It's all about perception and our perception is based on our experiences that helps forms and contains our lives.
I look at the light weight on the bar and the small dumbbells and have zero ego about the lack of weight. It’s not about the weight, I tell myself but it's the first thing I notice. My mind immediately went to a place of worrying about being judged. Wondering if people will think I'm showing out. Who am I to post a video of working out? Who do I think I am now?
This workout is a complex. You don't need to know that, but I feel like I have to say it. Going
heavy would compromise the workout. While it would feed my ego, It would humble me with an injury and move me backwards. The high number of reps, the time on and time off to do the reps and the number of rounds pushes me pass my limit. At least what I thought was my limit.
The burn and tightness in my quads during the lifts. I always have. It's triggering. I can feel trauma stored deep in my muscles. Working out for me releases trauma ;leaving me feeling emotionally sick and vulnerable.
In the book, Can't Hurt Me, by David Goggins, he mentions how our minds are like a governor in a car. The governor regulates all the systems to prevent them from going into max capacity... to prevent the car from blowing up. We are fully able to push pass the limits we've set before us. Those limits like hand me downs from the ideas of others... limits us. He says we're mostly working from a place of 40%, leaving so much more in the tank... in all areas of our lives.
I've lived most of my life from a place of less than; a place of 40%. I'm sad about the compromising positions I’ve placed this body of mine in. Me… soaking up the bs I knew I shouldn’t, but doing it anyway. I laugh and I'm grossed out simultaneously.
This feeling making me feel like a small boat on a big ocean being pushed around. It’s a seasick kind of vibe. It’s the kind of wave I won’t ride again.
We have one life. I want to live it fully; and putting it out there makes me feel like I’m honoring a side of me my ancestors would be proud of. That makes me proud to take these kinds of personal risks.