Separating Into Nothingness

The story I share, "Separating Into Nothingness" was such a pivotal moment in my life. And it makes me wonder now... where did I go? After listening to a podcast, I realized I never considered my many brushes with death as pivotal. I was so use to having these experiences, I chalked them up as just another day. I can count those moments on both hands. Looking back now, I realize I wasn't just escaping death. It was something more.

“I believe that the greatest truths of the universe don't lie outside, in the study of the stars and the planets. They lie deep within us, in the magnificence of our heart, mind, and soul. Until we understand what is within, we can't understand what is without.”― Anita Moorjani

Tonight for the first time... after hearing someone talk on the subject explaining why near death moments are symbolic.... I didn't realize... I was over looking the many times I "escaped" my brushes with death and the out of body experiences (witnessed by others) as I share what I saw from an out of body experience... that I could not have seen WHILE in my body...

screen shot....

I know my energy is going off the charts... It happens when I get close to "something"... like a truth I was unaware of... There is no one else editing this... Or is there... Is there another version of myself splitting from this reality as I have this paradigm shift... changing my current state of consciousness into a collective oneness of something bigger?

I've shared the story of how I became a babaylan; that was me at a crossroads. I was a little over 5 yrs old and over the course of 3 days, I would experience what filipinos would call.. a shamanic illness, an initiatory experience as a form of selection process becoming babaylan. Over those 3 days, I woke up one day after another with blood dried and covering my nose... then my eyes... the corners of mouth and my ears. My mother who never explained why... she took me into the mountains to see a female "doctor". I remember sitting in the bamboo hut... the dirt packed floor... and the ladle I drank from. After that night, I woke returned in my bed... my abilities begun. Even if I wanted to deny my abilities, they freaked out those close to me... and eventually they just knew it was part of who I am and some became fearful of. In the filipino culture, I'm considered a Babaylan. But this blog, isn't about that event...

This story, Separating Into Nothingness, isn't a near death experience... It's an out of body one... (but I'll definitely go back now... and add up all the near death ones... and look at the events that followed).

screenshot: why the resistance? Why does this keep happening while writing this? What dots will I connect?

I began Personal Shaman Podcast back in March 2024. I wanted to be able to listen to a yoga nidra session at the end of the day while walking the Camino de Santiago, The Frances Route, a 500+mile walk across Spain. I had been showing up on a platform every Tuesday evening for over a year and I didn't want to leave those that invested in this modality without something while I was going to be gone.

Below is the transcript to the episode, Separating Into Nothingness.

Most don't know I specialize in holistic modalities, alternative methods to help you heal and release trauma... Not just physical trauma... but emotional... and mental.

I'm sitting at my desk and can hear the wind moving the pages of my book. I keep going to different places to find a location where I would be much more productive. I am a person who needs elements, that helped me recharge myself. I can feel my body healing by sitting where I'm sitting and the air coming through and feeling the breeze, seeing the butterfly move around.

It's like flying right around my tree, a little, a little white one... could feel like the weeds growing out of my yard and the branches of my trees; the leaves starting to bloom, like you begin to feel all of this, like there's healing in this. I wanted to begin sharing some of these moments of pure bliss that I experience.

Corporate Life

We're conditioned to believe that the corporate world is where you need it to be; to be indoors. Looking back at my life working in office spaces and fluorescent lighting, I had this longing and this call to be outside. A lot of people really craved being indoors, watching movies or the television. And I just long to be outside just sitting in the elements. I felt very much grounded. I didn't even know what that meant. I felt healed. I felt connected. And. I didn't even know how to explain that to other people.

There was one time, I took my chair and moved it down away from my house. And it was near this creek that was running through it. I was living a really, unhealthy life. Wasn't drinking or doing drugs, but I was in an extremely abusive relationship.

And so, I remember taking this lawn chair out, at the corner of my yard and sitting there and I could feel my body separating. It was like the most surreal experience ever. It felt like my body was separating into nothingness. Like the space between, the layers of my body was separating. I felt like, like sand. Like, like when you blow sand and it just kind of flies everywhere. I felt my body separating into nothingness, but being a part of everything. I really didn't know what was happening to me.

I remember at the time I was, I was with a person. Him and my daughter said, well, we couldn't find you. Where were you? I said, I was in the backyard sitting in the chair. They were like, "We went out there. You weren't out there." It's like, "No, I was sitting in the chair, by the creek." And they're like, "No, we saw the chair, you weren't there".

And, you know, I thought, well, maybe I wasn't really there. But now that I think about it, I wasn't there. I was into that space of nothingness. I was in that space of where my body was disconnecting and I was becoming one with everything.

I grew up in a home where, I wasn't looking for love. We were kind of trained to believe what love is based on our experiences, our perceptions of what people tell us and what we've seen, what we're conditioned to believe.

My mind and my body, my spirit was in so much turmoil. I was in such abusive relationship. But I was like, this, well, this is what love is. This is what family is. Somewhere in me, it felt like it wasn't like, this isn't right. And that's just talking about like coming from a really unhealthy perspective.

Finding my path

When you look at life, there's a lot of times when we were like, we can't put our finger on it, but it doesn't feel right. Right? Like it doesn't. Something about this experience, even if it's an extremely healthy, productive experience for other people; there's no bodily harm that's happening to you. Something doesn't feel right, because we're off path. But I didn't know that then. And for me to even try to explain these feelings, could get you institutionalized... could get you, uh, the loss of your children.

There's a lot of things that come with going against the natural or let me take that back... Going against the flow of the society or community, or tribe that you live in.

Becoming an outlier is a dangerous thing, for yourself and for that group that you're a part of. You're causing a major disruption in the group where, they have a system in place that works for that group. So, you're that disruption and that's dangerous.

And the danger for you, is that you are now in this place of being outcast. When you think about way back; we're living in tribes; hunting and gathering and watching over our people; making sure like wildlife isn't trying to come and eat us. You needed a tribe. There was safety in numbers.

I know that we're genetically encoded to try to stay within a tribe or a society to stay alive. But when we are encoded in that way, we are also encoded to become less of a risk taker. Unless you're a part of a tribe that says, I'm going to take some risks today. I'm going to see, what my horizons are. I'm not going to be defined by this box that I'm supposed to stay in; cause something doesn't feel right.

DNA: How unique we are? How deeply connected to our ancestors and elements found through out the universe.

I get emotional talking about it. Emotion is energy in motion. I can feel when the wind is picking up and the breeze is coming through. I've opened my front window and if you could see it, you'd be like, wow, this, this, feels so good. I know that we all have the ability to shift and change the weather around us, just our energetic vibration alone."

I think it's important to begin sharing why I do what I do... It's important for you to begin to see what brought me to here... There's so many stories about ourselves that we omit to make ourselves more digestible... Today is a good day to stop doing that... for myself... and for you... the reader.

Sincerely,

Polly